Just Outside Fear

I've been trying to figure out why I hoard and clutter...and refuse to let go of so much stuff.

The answer is fear.

Fear that I will need it.

Fear that it will be gone.

Fear I will never be able to replace it.

Fear that I will lose something of value.

It's this constant nagging. I feel the weight of it upon my shoulders. Its burden rubbing rope burns on my back.

Why can't I just let go?

I'm having to remind myself that God is GOOD!  And He will provide!

But do I believe it?

I've been thinking about how Jesus said to "look at the birds of the air" for they "do not sow or reap or store away in barns."  But what happens? "Your heavenly Father feeds them."  And I love how He ends with "are you not much more valuable than they?"  The answer is a resounding, "YES!" (Matthew 6:26)

I've been thinking of another parable. The one about the man who hoards his grain after a good growing year.  The Bible says this man "thought within himself, saying, 'What shall I do, since I have no room to store my crops?' So he said, 'I will do this: I will pull down my barns and build grater, and there I will store all my crops and my goods. And I will say to my soul, "Soul, you have many good laid up for many years; take your ease, drink and be merry." ' " (Luke 12:17-19)

But before he could "take his ease", he died.

What good was all his hoarding?  He didn't have a chance to use it.

Maybe God is asking me to let go of my need to prepare my own way but to depend on Him like the Israelites did in the wilderness. Every day they were asked to pick up manna. They were not able to keep it overnight.  Maybe this is the trust God desires me to have and why Jesus told His disciples to pray, "Give us this day our daily bread?"

Perhaps He just wants me to Trust.

Perspective

It's killing her.  Slowly. Surely.  Her body is telling her it's needs to store. And she gained weight.  A lot of it.  It's another person's worth of weight. Hanging on her. Surrounding her.

Killing her.

She had fought and it fought back. Finally, she's chosen to relinquish one disease for another, slower one. 

And hopefully get her life back.

This young woman is a hero to me. Her struggle. Her fight to survive.

But also humbling.

Convicting.

Because I don't suffer from anything. I hoard the weight because I can, not because my body has failed. 

And I think...

What if I lost weight as though my life depended on it?

Would that change my perspective?

I have the ability to change my ways. 

I'm not in the hospital.  I'm mobile. 

What if it IS just sheer will-power?

What if I can change because I make it a priority?

Is it worth it?

It just might be...