The Reason I Hoard...

Elisabeth Elliot: "Said the robin to the sparrow, 'I should really like to know why these anxious human beings rush about and worry so.? Said the sparrow to the robin, 'Friend, I think that it must be that they have no Heavenly Father such as cares for you and me.'"

Confession.  I hold onto things I don't need.

God's been good.

First, He moved us to Hungary and honestly? you can't drag that much stuff across an ocean (well, you can, but not when you only have limited resources!)

Second, He keeps bringing this to my attention, over and over again.

Honestly, I'll be good for a while, but then I will begin to hoard again. Collecting the blessings instead of turning them over again, pouring them out as they deserve.

Through this I've come to realize...

I don't really trust!

Somehow I believe my ability to survive is based on my ability to "keep" myself.  Even though it is written:

The Lord is your keeper; Psalm 121:5  

If I truly believed this I would live out Jesus' words:

“Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?" Matthew 6:25

My life would reflect this kind of trust.

And I wouldn't hoard food, eating to excess, because I would believe there'd be more.

And I wouldn't gather "stuff" until I had no room because I'd believe He would give me exactly what I needed.

I would allow Him to go before me and I would let go of those things I cannot keep to gain that which I cannot lose.

Oh, that God would work this in me!

May I learn to suffer the risk of want in order to be closer to Him.

Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: 12 I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. 13 I can do all things through Christ[b] who strengthens me.

Philippians 4:11-13

May His grace abound in all things!

Amen.

Run

I ran today.

Actually, I jogged moved my feet just quicker than a walk, but I got out there.

It's hard for me.

I'm not a runner.

But I'm at the point where I know I need to "just do it" so I...

threw on a pair of sweats

tied on my tennis shoes

grabbed a light weight coat

and head out.

And ran past all the voices in my head.  I could hear the excuses, "You're tired today. You don't know what you are doing." The worries, "What if you hurt yourself? How would you care for your family?" But most of all, the shame.

"You're the sorriest excuse for a runner I've ever seen!" comes the voice.  It accuses me of being a poser. Asks me what I think I can hope to accomplish. Tells me I'm too big to do anything. Too old to try to accomplish my goals. Tells me I'm a failure and it's only a matter of time...

These voices feel like a weight pressing down on my chest and it's hard to breathe.

But I move forward.

Keep going.

And God-willing I'll do it again tomorrow.

Just run.

Just Outside Fear

I've been trying to figure out why I hoard and clutter...and refuse to let go of so much stuff.

The answer is fear.

Fear that I will need it.

Fear that it will be gone.

Fear I will never be able to replace it.

Fear that I will lose something of value.

It's this constant nagging. I feel the weight of it upon my shoulders. Its burden rubbing rope burns on my back.

Why can't I just let go?

I'm having to remind myself that God is GOOD!  And He will provide!

But do I believe it?

I've been thinking about how Jesus said to "look at the birds of the air" for they "do not sow or reap or store away in barns."  But what happens? "Your heavenly Father feeds them."  And I love how He ends with "are you not much more valuable than they?"  The answer is a resounding, "YES!" (Matthew 6:26)

I've been thinking of another parable. The one about the man who hoards his grain after a good growing year.  The Bible says this man "thought within himself, saying, 'What shall I do, since I have no room to store my crops?' So he said, 'I will do this: I will pull down my barns and build grater, and there I will store all my crops and my goods. And I will say to my soul, "Soul, you have many good laid up for many years; take your ease, drink and be merry." ' " (Luke 12:17-19)

But before he could "take his ease", he died.

What good was all his hoarding?  He didn't have a chance to use it.

Maybe God is asking me to let go of my need to prepare my own way but to depend on Him like the Israelites did in the wilderness. Every day they were asked to pick up manna. They were not able to keep it overnight.  Maybe this is the trust God desires me to have and why Jesus told His disciples to pray, "Give us this day our daily bread?"

Perhaps He just wants me to Trust.

Perspective

It's killing her.  Slowly. Surely.  Her body is telling her it's needs to store. And she gained weight.  A lot of it.  It's another person's worth of weight. Hanging on her. Surrounding her.

Killing her.

She had fought and it fought back. Finally, she's chosen to relinquish one disease for another, slower one. 

And hopefully get her life back.

This young woman is a hero to me. Her struggle. Her fight to survive.

But also humbling.

Convicting.

Because I don't suffer from anything. I hoard the weight because I can, not because my body has failed. 

And I think...

What if I lost weight as though my life depended on it?

Would that change my perspective?

I have the ability to change my ways. 

I'm not in the hospital.  I'm mobile. 

What if it IS just sheer will-power?

What if I can change because I make it a priority?

Is it worth it?

It just might be...