The Reason I Hoard...

Elisabeth Elliot: "Said the robin to the sparrow, 'I should really like to know why these anxious human beings rush about and worry so.? Said the sparrow to the robin, 'Friend, I think that it must be that they have no Heavenly Father such as cares for you and me.'"

Confession.  I hold onto things I don't need.

God's been good.

First, He moved us to Hungary and honestly? you can't drag that much stuff across an ocean (well, you can, but not when you only have limited resources!)

Second, He keeps bringing this to my attention, over and over again.

Honestly, I'll be good for a while, but then I will begin to hoard again. Collecting the blessings instead of turning them over again, pouring them out as they deserve.

Through this I've come to realize...

I don't really trust!

Somehow I believe my ability to survive is based on my ability to "keep" myself.  Even though it is written:

The Lord is your keeper; Psalm 121:5  

If I truly believed this I would live out Jesus' words:

“Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?" Matthew 6:25

My life would reflect this kind of trust.

And I wouldn't hoard food, eating to excess, because I would believe there'd be more.

And I wouldn't gather "stuff" until I had no room because I'd believe He would give me exactly what I needed.

I would allow Him to go before me and I would let go of those things I cannot keep to gain that which I cannot lose.

Oh, that God would work this in me!

May I learn to suffer the risk of want in order to be closer to Him.

Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: 12 I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. 13 I can do all things through Christ[b] who strengthens me.

Philippians 4:11-13

May His grace abound in all things!

Amen.

Run

I ran today.

Actually, I jogged moved my feet just quicker than a walk, but I got out there.

It's hard for me.

I'm not a runner.

But I'm at the point where I know I need to "just do it" so I...

threw on a pair of sweats

tied on my tennis shoes

grabbed a light weight coat

and head out.

And ran past all the voices in my head.  I could hear the excuses, "You're tired today. You don't know what you are doing." The worries, "What if you hurt yourself? How would you care for your family?" But most of all, the shame.

"You're the sorriest excuse for a runner I've ever seen!" comes the voice.  It accuses me of being a poser. Asks me what I think I can hope to accomplish. Tells me I'm too big to do anything. Too old to try to accomplish my goals. Tells me I'm a failure and it's only a matter of time...

These voices feel like a weight pressing down on my chest and it's hard to breathe.

But I move forward.

Keep going.

And God-willing I'll do it again tomorrow.

Just run.

Just Outside Fear

I've been trying to figure out why I hoard and clutter...and refuse to let go of so much stuff.

The answer is fear.

Fear that I will need it.

Fear that it will be gone.

Fear I will never be able to replace it.

Fear that I will lose something of value.

It's this constant nagging. I feel the weight of it upon my shoulders. Its burden rubbing rope burns on my back.

Why can't I just let go?

I'm having to remind myself that God is GOOD!  And He will provide!

But do I believe it?

I've been thinking about how Jesus said to "look at the birds of the air" for they "do not sow or reap or store away in barns."  But what happens? "Your heavenly Father feeds them."  And I love how He ends with "are you not much more valuable than they?"  The answer is a resounding, "YES!" (Matthew 6:26)

I've been thinking of another parable. The one about the man who hoards his grain after a good growing year.  The Bible says this man "thought within himself, saying, 'What shall I do, since I have no room to store my crops?' So he said, 'I will do this: I will pull down my barns and build grater, and there I will store all my crops and my goods. And I will say to my soul, "Soul, you have many good laid up for many years; take your ease, drink and be merry." ' " (Luke 12:17-19)

But before he could "take his ease", he died.

What good was all his hoarding?  He didn't have a chance to use it.

Maybe God is asking me to let go of my need to prepare my own way but to depend on Him like the Israelites did in the wilderness. Every day they were asked to pick up manna. They were not able to keep it overnight.  Maybe this is the trust God desires me to have and why Jesus told His disciples to pray, "Give us this day our daily bread?"

Perhaps He just wants me to Trust.

Perspective

It's killing her.  Slowly. Surely.  Her body is telling her it's needs to store. And she gained weight.  A lot of it.  It's another person's worth of weight. Hanging on her. Surrounding her.

Killing her.

She had fought and it fought back. Finally, she's chosen to relinquish one disease for another, slower one. 

And hopefully get her life back.

This young woman is a hero to me. Her struggle. Her fight to survive.

But also humbling.

Convicting.

Because I don't suffer from anything. I hoard the weight because I can, not because my body has failed. 

And I think...

What if I lost weight as though my life depended on it?

Would that change my perspective?

I have the ability to change my ways. 

I'm not in the hospital.  I'm mobile. 

What if it IS just sheer will-power?

What if I can change because I make it a priority?

Is it worth it?

It just might be...

Daily Planner

When I first got my daily planner, I thought I had to keep it faithfully. If I wrote it down it had to be done on the day it was written. I also overdid ever list I wrote so that it made me not want to even try! Now, however, it's become my lifesaver, my brain outside my body. Like transferring computer files to a disk, it frees up memory and creates more order and less stress in my life which is good! Let's discuss the different parts.

It has a pink cover. This is nice because it makes it "mine." Even though I keep tabs on my family, having some ownership over it allows me to let go of my thoughts and trust it to this keeper. I will keep personal notes, letters, thoughts, ideas on the pages and in the slots. It is a piece of me.

The inside is a two pages a day format. I like it because it gives me enough space to write. I use the "to do" list for daily stuff, the appointment calender, on occasions that I have a scheduled time, and the free page for thoughts, dreams, goals, ideas, or tentative plans. This way I am allowed to pour out my heart and empty my head.

For the "To Do" list, I have it in three parts.

Reoccurring Schedule:

Make Bed

Dishes

Laundry

Sweep/Tidy

Odd Stuff:

Sometimes Personal Such as Blogging, Reading, Uploading Pictures

Sometimes Husband Stuff Such as Finding Papers, Running Errands

Sometimes Kids Related Such as Schoolwork, Going to Park, Library, etc.

Calls to Make/Things to Mail:

Appointments

Bills

Catch Up with Friends

I find if I keep up with the reoccurring stuff, the other stuff is easier. Just making the bed makes my room look that much neater. A load a day of laundry and keeping up with the dishes keeps them from piling up. And I can work on the clutter if the floor is clean. I don't always accomplish everything, but my planner also came with handy little symbols to use other than a check mark such as an arrow for things forwarded to the next day and a dot for things in progress. It keeps me from getting overwhelmed and helps me jump in the next day right where I left off. I also feel good at being able to get something marked every day and am encouraged every time I do.

I've come to realize some of the other stuff is necessary and some of it is more wishful thinking. I try not to forward things more than a day or I lose motivation to get to them, but sometimes I'll put more on my Monday list than I know I can finish with the idea that I will be able to get it done that week. It allows me to see some of my goals for the week and get to them in a timely manner (not just whenever I remember them). I still don't always accomplish everything, but allows me to get more done than if I had to remember from scratch.

I group making calls and mailing letters together because they are both tasks that require some focused attention, but not too much. I try to get the mail ready before the kids get up and calls made during naptime. Giving myself a time frame within which to accomplish these tasks keeps me from "panic mode" where the kids are screaming for my attention and I'm under pressure to get something done. It also keeps me from worrying about it because it's already been worked into my day.

The biggest thing is not taking myself too seriously. Enough that I can work with it, but not so much that I am a slave to it. The biggest thing is working it into how I accomplish things and being realistic into what my time is truly going to allow. But on the overall, it's been a very amazing and helpful thing!

Living Room/School Cabinet

"Nothing's better than cleaning to me, Mommy!" he says as he moves out the school cabinet to sweep behind it. Honestly, I could get used to this! He already pulled out my chair, swept under my couch and moved the mat (which he proclaimed to be "pretty dirty"). My son claims nothing's better than "making the floor pretty" and says he won't stop until "he makes the whole floor clean." He even offered to do my room! Which brings me to my latest accomplishment...the living room and school cabinet. I still need to finish cleaning off the top of the school cabinet so I can move the games up there, but I reclaimed two shelves that were nothing but a paper mess and prettied them up. I also gathered the books and put them back on the shelf. After the sweeping it looks a lot better!

Dining Room/Kitchen

Took it upon myself to tackle the dining room today. Scrubbed down each of the chairs until they had blue on them again. Then took to the table. I wiped down everything, including the sides of the table and the legs. How gunk gets on the legs is beyond me (although with four little ones, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised!). I then took it upon myself to move everything and mop the floor. Now it looks a lot nicer!

I didn't do much in the kitchen except catch up on the rest of the dishes that have been slowly stacking and declutter the counters. Hubby had already scrubbed them the other day so all I had to do was wipe gently after moving the clutter and dishes. Mopped in that room too.

Must say I feel more human. I even wiped down the kid's bathroom sink to give it an extra sparkle. I've also been doing a load a day as the laundry builds up and folding it after it comes out. This has made the laundry pile less and the clean clothes stack manageable. Note, I hate folding laundry so this is an accomplishment for me!

Feeling invigorated. What to next? Not quite sure, but there's something!

*Addendum*

When I say "I" this should be clarified to acknowledge the fact I did have a little help. The picture says the rest.